December 13, 2013

The Newbie Guide To Checking Your Spine At The Door

Welcome to the wonderful exciting world of word processing! Before you begin the job that screams LOSER, you must go through a day's worth of orientation. We do this because we want to make sure that you lose all sense of hope, happiness and upward mobility and that you become the person that you dread the most: an ineffectual middle management suck up. So take that roll of scotch tape, apply it to your eyelids and get ready to experience the worst thing written on paper since Nancy Pelosi implored everyone to "vote for the bill so that we can see what it's about!".

Dress Code:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Vacation Days:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st, July 4th and December 25th.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

Absence Due To Your Own Death:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Restroom Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8a to 8:20a, employees whose name being with "B" will go from 8:20a to 8:40a, and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

This concludes your one day orientation. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


  1. And this is why I've always been my own boss! :D

  2. Debra: Yup. However, you can easily add to them by counting the holidays as well.

    Joe: It definitely does pay to be self-employed. :D

  3. Man, I'm still rolling on the friggin' floor! :-) Genius.

    Greetings from London.

  4. ACiL: Thank you kind sir.

    Scary to think that some companies might actually function like this.

  5. I did once run into a situation where an employee's co-workers complained that she was "always in the bathroom". I think that she created this impression herself, inadvertently, by always announcing loudly where she was going when she left her desk. This was after people had complained that they didn't know where she was anytime she wasn't at her desk. Sometimes there's just no pleasing people.

  6. I love the part about being dead being an acceptable excuse for absence. :)

  7. S.R.: Sadly, we have to do something like that in our unit. We've had issues pop up where co-workers were needed and they were nowhere to be found, so now we have to let people know where we are. Not to the extreme of TMI like your staff member though.

    M: Yes, but you still have to train your replacement prior to passing away.


These days, the written word is to die for, so please leave a comment that shows me and everyone else the real you. All kinds of verbiage will be cheerfully accepted in the spirit it was written.