November 6, 2013

If You Wants To Get Paid

You gots to follow the rules.

Rule #1: Timesheets are due on the Friday immediately following the day your paycheck completely vanishes. That means on Friday. Not the weekend or the following Monday after crying in your beer 'cause your fave sports team done choked on its own ego. If you hand it in early, good for you, but you don't get any brownie points for sucking up and kissing our ass.

Rule #2: We need originals with dual autographs. Faxes are okay, but as you all know, not only do you get points for originality, but someday when you become a somebody, we can flood E-Bay with the real deal.

Rule #3: Revisions. You have to redo the entire timesheet if you're adding something. Simply adding a number without the rest of the corresponding numbers will cause us to throw a hissy fit, get our panties in a bunch (trust us, you don't want to see me or any of my co-workers with our panties in a bunch, 'cause you'll claw your eyes out from the pain), then take away your paycheck for bothering us.

Rule #4: If you use white out (dry or liquid)/correction tape (in great quantities), stamped signature (oooooh baby), written in pencil (WTF?) or erasable ink (hurt me, hurt me), will not be least not until you give it to us with high heels, 'cause you know, we've been really, really, really bad.

Rule #5: If you make an error on your timesheet, it must be corrected by both the dominant and the submissive, but please, don't get overly enthusiastic about it.

Rule #6: We can't change timesheets, so if you're incapable of filling out your timesheet or your IQ is your shoe size, thus preventing you from being a responsible adult, we will pay you what we think you are worth. However, because we aren't the heartless bastards everyone makes us out to be, you'll get a delectable e-mail from us telling you what your problem is, which you'll gladly accept as a viable punishment. If you do what we say when we say it, we'll treat you with respect. If not, we'll still treat you with respect, but certainly not in the morning.

Rule #7: Timesheets will be posted and you'll get what we decree by the Tuesday following payday. No exceptions will be made nor extra monies will be paid, 'cause you were a bad boy or a bad girl. But we are open to all kinds of salacious bribes. Who knows, maybe you'll be "The One".

Rule #8: If no timesheet is submitted, we will e-mail you once. Once. Like Danny Vermin. If we have to do it more than once, then you're just being an irritant and we'll honey and feather you as punishment.

Note, failure to communicate is punishable by listening to either the audio version of "Battlefield Earth" or the audio version of Robert Jordan's "Wheel of Time" series as read by Carl from Sling Blade.

Rule #9: It is the supervisor's responsibility when signing off on a timesheet that the employee actually filled it out correctly. Failure to do so will result in us making you audition for the lead roles in the best Mommy Porn trilogy out there today: Fifty Shades of Gray.

As the employee, if you don't fill out your timesheet correctly, we'll make sure that all the right people know about it and by the time we're done, the only job you'll be qualified for is milk monitor.

Rule #10: Coding timesheets when using the Federal Indecency Act. If you must use a FILA code and you're not sure of which one to use, please call us at our private number listed on the bottom of your FILA form, and we'll be more than thrilled to tell you what one to use. Just remember, using lest than 140 characters will get the best response.

So remember peoples, if you want to get paid properly, just follow these simple guidelines, and in no time at all, you'll be the best ever.


  1. This, my friend, is a riot! Who said you guys in Payroll have no sense of humor? So glad to know that you guys know the rules are silly, too.

  2. Whoa! What does the Federal Indecency Act have to do with??

    IQ is shoe size...I love that.

    And do they even make erasable ink anymore?

  3. Ellen: If you only knew what we go through on a daily basis, it would simply boggle your mind.

    And while yes, some of the rules are silly, most of them were created in direct response to the lack of smartness amongst upper management.

    M: I believe they do still make erasable ink. Submitting a fraudulent timesheet is a fire-able offense.

    And the Federal Indecency Act is simply a play on the Federal Marriage/Leave Act, which is something that is abused 1000%.

  4. I wants to get paid, but you make So many rules- So glad we have a puter time clock we can check past punches on, n a written form to write in time with everybody's name on it to double-check. We still messes it up tho, n then we gotta beg the big boss to fix it missing sleep to talk to him on the other shift.
    In 7 years so far Boss has forgotten to give me vaca pay 4 times, making me wait an additional week. Fun explaining that to the landlord more than once. Yet, boss hates it when I remind him!

    Folks get so crumpled about money!

    Glad you decided to throw some paint at a new empty canvas here-

    May take awhile to update the link on ESR- just re-loaded Chrome 3 times to get here- Still unable to get RK to load today (sigh)

  5. Snaggle: Forgetting to pay someone their vacation pay is pretty low if you ask me.

    And glad that you made it over to here.

    I'm sure that you'll get Chrome to load eventually.

  6. I'm so glad I don't have to go through this to get paid. :) Funny.

  7. Lynn: Thanks.

    In all seriousness though, we had to create this policy because too many people masquerading as adults have problems with personal responsibility.

    Since I can't really say what's on my mind about these "people" this was the next best thing. :D


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