The other day, I got this very funky e-mail from my very good friend Riot Kitty, who in turn got it from someone else. So, for lack of any lengthy original topic (trust me, dealing with Amazon and having a toddler file a grievance against me for not answering an e-mail in a timely manner, not make lengthy diatribes. One of them, and the 1st 10K guesses do not count, does make a medium sized explicative laden diatribe), a little musical humor for the day. Enjoy part 1 of Rules For The Blues.
1} Most blues begin, "Woke up this morning...."
2} "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.
3} The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pounds."
4} The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--aint' no way out.
5} Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6} Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults can sing the blues. In blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7} Blues can take place in NYC but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Seattle or Minneapolis is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8} A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chompin' on it is.
9}You can't have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10} Good places for the blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) An empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.
11} Bad places for the blues: a) Nordstrom's; b) Gallery openings; c) Ivy league institutions; d) Golf courses.
12} No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
(c) 2014 by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved.